Things Women Secretly Want in Bed 8 Kinky Things Women Secretly Desire, Revealed

Things Women Secretly Want in Bed

8 Kinky Things Women Secretly Desire, Revealed

If you’re a straight guy, you’re probably used to asking for (or even just taking) what you want in bed. 

You want to switch positions? You flip her over. You want a blowjob? You subtly nudge her until you get one. You want to try a threesome? You not-so-subtly suggest it when drunk one night. Even if you get turned down, at least you expressed what you wanted. 

For lots of guys, that’s just how sex works. 

But lots of guys also have at least one or two things they’re a little bit shy about. Things they might watch in porn and get turned on by but never bring up, or things they feel guilty about liking, are ashamed of or wish they didn’t find quite as hot as they do. If you recognize that feeling, well, you’re getting just a little taste of what it’s like to be a woman.

A lot of hetero sex ends up being what the guy wants, not what the girl wants. Yep — there are things that women just… never ask for. 

You might not realize that, sure, but how can you realize that someone isn’t asking you for something they want? It looks exactly the same as not wanting anything in the first place. 

You might find that surprising as a man, but it’s time to demystify that once and for all. 

Why Women Might Not Ask for What They Really Want

Part of the problem here is that for many people, talking about sex in an open and honest way is not something they have much experience doing.

“Many people, both men and women, shy away from expressing their kinky desires because society teaches us those things are dirty or only ‘certain’ types of people do them,” says Kayla Lords, a sexpert for JackAndJillAdult.com and the founder of LovingBDSM.net. “There’s still a very real stigma around confessing your kinky or sexual desires and many women worry about rejection or ridicule from a partner.”

Gigi Engle, a sex and intimacy expert for SKYN, also notes that no one wants to be judged by their significant other. “We don't want to ask for something and be told you're not into it or think we're gross or weird,” she says.

This is a concept known as “kink-shaming” — the idea that certain sexual desires are weirder or grosser than others. Even if you’re relatively open-minded, you probably find some fetishes strange rather than sexy, and often that leads to certain sex acts, and the people who enjoy them, being made fun of. 

Another big part of the problem is that growing up, guys are often expected to be (and encouraged to be) sexual beings, whereas women are often shamed for the same feelings and behavior. 

Think about it: A guy who hooks up a lot is a player or a stud; the words for a woman who does the exact same thing are much less kind. Lots of guys will turn their nose up at a woman who isn’t a virgin, but don’t have to worry that they’ll be treated similarly if they aren’t. 

There’s a long-standing double standard there that still exists — known as “slut-shaming” — and that factors into things like how comfortable women feel asking for things in bed, even if they really trust the other person. 

“Sex isn't something we're told we should want,” says Engle, “and if we do, we must be sluts. This kind of thinking makes being an openly sexual woman somewhat difficult and complex. We're told to be sexy, but not too sexual. Good in bed, but not slutty. It's a lot of mixed messages.”

Another gendered aspect to this, Engle notes, is that women are often socialized to worry about other people’s wellbeing before their own, and this plays out in sex as well. 

“Women are constantly keeping their partner's egos in check, which means we're over here trying to make sure our partners feel satisfied without focusing on our pleasure,” she says. 

In practice, that means that you could be in a relationship for years and years without ever discovering the kinky things she wants to do in the bedroom.

“A lot of these desires will be repressed and eventually forgotten about if she's not given the chance to give it a try,” says Mackenzie Riel of TooTimid.com. “You never know what you both may end up enjoying that you never expected.”

How to Talk to Her About Her Kinky Desires

So what do women want in bed? What do women want men to do in bed? To them, for them, with them? 

It starts with listening. Regardless of their specific personal desires, the No. 1 thing women want to hear in bed is, “What do you want?”

If you want to know how to be better in bed for her, you don’t start by drawing up a list of kinky things to do during sex. Instead, you start by asking her what she wants to do. 

“The next time you're both relaxing and lying around after sex, ask her if there are any desires or fantasies she has never expressed to you,” says Riel. “It's that simple. Ask her.”

For starters, this means she doesn’t have to feel weird about bringing it up herself, as well as giving her an opportunity to have a discussion she might feel ready to have but not ready to start. 

“If you initiate the conversation, she'll be more likely to want to open to you about it,” adds Riel, noting that regardless of what she tells you, having a real and honest conversation on the subject can do wonders for a relationship. “Creating a safe place to talk about sex can make the connection between you and your partner that much stronger and deeper.”

That being said, there are ways to screw such a conversation up. If you put too much pressure on her to respond in a certain way, or at all, she might feel attacked rather than supported.

“If you want to learn what she really wants to try or what her sexual fantasies are,” says Lords, “she has to know she’s safe to tell you these things, and you won’t laugh, freak out or use them against her later. She also has to know that you’re willing to communicate with her by both talking about your own kinky desires, and listening when she talks at all.”

Of course, discussing it more formally while you’re not having sex might be smarter, but there’s always the chance that the questions will come up in the heat of the moment. If that’s the case, remember that asking or pressuring her to open up about her desires could backfire. If she’s genuinely shy about it, talking could be a lengthy process, and expecting otherwise might not be a great idea.

“If you are curious in the moment, ask her if she'd want to talk about it before sex because there is always the possibility that you may be able to start right then and there,” says Riel. “But just remember the subject still may be uncomfortable for her. Maybe start by expressing some of your potential interests of exploring in the bedroom and go based off how she is reacting. By you being the first to say yours, she may be more open to sharing her own.”

Kinky Things Women Want to Do

Let’s be clear: You should absolutely not assume that she is into any of the below just because you hope it’ll be the case. 

“Every woman is different, and the spectrum of possibly kinky fun is vast,” says Lords. “But some fantasies are common among women (and people in general).”

So with that in mind, here are some kinky things to do in bed that many women are into: 

1. Anal

“Believe it or not, some women are actually genuinely interested in trying anal sex,” says Riel. 

“Although you would think their partner would jump at the chance, there is always the possibility that the idea grosses him out, or perhaps he’d just have no desire to do it. Unfortunately, all you can do in that situation is try bringing it up to your partner and hope for their best. As long as you approach the subject lightly and objectively, your partner will be more likely to potentially hear you out.”

2. Role Play

“Many women often want to engage in role play with their partners but might feel nervous asking for exactly what they want,” says Engle. “No one wants to be judged or to freak their partner out, so she may keep [her desire for you] to pretend to be the OB/GYN and give her a pelvic exam to herself.”

3. Domination and Submission

“Some women want to be controlled by their partner, to submit; others want to be in control and dominate,” says Lords. 

Exploring domination and submission “can be done in a purely sexual way or as part of a relationship role,” she adds. “Sexy kinky examples include asking for permission to orgasm (as a submissive) or deciding if your partner can orgasm (as a dominant); choosing the pace, position, and type of sex you’ll have, or letting your partner control the moment.”

4. Bondage

“Bondage and BDSM have taken over a large part of the sex industry recently,” says Riel. “The curiosity for a lot of women has sparked, and there's more of an interest in trying kinkier sex acts than before. Some of this is surely thanks to the ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ book/movie series, but it can be an area of sex that your lady may want to dive into and experiment with.”

5. Breath Play

“Choking can be very sexy and can increase sexual arousal and blood flow to the clitoris,” says Engle. 

“Place a hand on her neck, applying pressure to the sides, not directly on the esophagus. Use a ‘tap’ system where she can tap you with her hand to say she's had enough. Choking and breath play should not be taken lightly. You want to be sure you're doing it right. Go to a class, watch some videos and practice before engaging.”

6. Spanking

“If you’ve ever smacked a woman on the ass, and she went wild in a good way, there’s a really good chance she’d be willing to try more spankings,” says Lords. “Some are part of role play (think of a naughty schoolgirl being punished by her teacher) or just because it’s fun and they enjoy the sensation of pain and pleasure.”

7. Having a Threesome

“This can be a woman's biggest fear when it comes to telling her partner because of the unknown result of said threesome,” says Riel. “There's always the possibility of jealousy on his part, or her own, when it comes to performing the act. She may be insecure if you bring in another woman, for example, that you may be more sexually satisfied or attracted to her than your own partner. If she expresses an interest in trying it out, give her the peace of mind that you're willing to do whatever you can to me make her the most confident and comfortable during the experience.”

8. Temperature Play

“Temperature play can be very kinky and hot,” says Engle. “You can grab some ice from the freezer and run it over her nipples, inner thighs, stomach, etc. It's a simple way to up the ante on arousal and get your body in the mood. You can also get some body-safe massage candles for warm temperature play. Kinksters often use regular candles so they can actually leave marks, but this is not a good idea for beginners. You want something that is meant to be used on skin.” 

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