Body Modification What's The Line Between A Normal Fetish And A Mental Health Issue?

Body Modification

What's The Line Between A Normal Fetish And A Mental Health Issue?

What's The Deal With Body Modification?

Dear Doc,

One of the things I like to do to myself is to brand my skin with hot metal to create designs, my sack as well as other parts. It’s kind of a turn-on and something that makes

 me feel pride in my body. I really like it, and the turn-on part is more about feeling masculine, edgy and taboo. Not all my partners like it, but some get off on it, too, and think it’s really cool. The thing is, I’ve had people say (a therapist, parents, some friends) say it means I’m mentally unstable. Is it?

- Anonymous

I’m hearing more and more about people getting into body modification, scarring and branding for identity and sexual purposes. It’s an extreme form of sensation play and a growing practice. I’m not sure where it’s coming from, but beyond the origins and reasons for its growth in the Western world, we have to consider each person’s situation separately. Are there some people who do this and have a mental health issue, sure. It’s well documented in the mental health field that some people partake in self-injurious behaviors that alter their bodies. Are there folks stable and happy who engage in body modification? You guessed it, there are as well. I can’t tell you if you’re mentally stable from reading the few lines you wrote, but I can say that body modification can be done in healthy, sane and appropriate manners. I know, people are shaking their heads and their mouths have dropped. But read on.  

Most people don’t think about the different types of body modification practices across cultures and in Western society. Many cultures practice traditional and sacred/spiritual forms of body scarring and modification that include cutting, branding and altering the skin to create permanent marks and designs. It can symbolize fertility, social status, milestones and achievements, or honoring traditions or spirituality within one’s culture. It’s not deemed unbalanced or unstable; it’s expected and appropriate.

In Western cultures, I think we sometimes view non-mainstream acts like this as less civilized and make judgments on the decisions of adults. But what about the body modifications we have more acceptance for in our society? Why is a tattoo viewed with less judgment than a branding or raised scarring? Why is plastic surgery more acceptable than earlobe stretching? What we’re really talking about here is a matter of acceptance based on societal constructs and socialized opinions. Your skin branding would be much better received in certain African or Polynesian cultures. If there is a therapist from a small village in Papua New Guinea, they may have a different opinion.

Why would branding, whether it be through heat, freezing the skin, laser or cautery, be a turn-on? Pain and pleasure are centered in similar areas of the brain. It’s only natural for people to have associations and connections that overlap with both. For some, it’s a huge endorphin rush to involve themselves in body modification. Some forms of body modification can affect sensation and arousal in a good way. Piercings, for example, can heighten arousal for people. Just ask the folks out there with their clitoral hood pierced or the Prince Albert penis pierce. For others, it’s psychologically arousing to see themselves or a partner with modifications to their body. For many, identity is important, and feeling comfortable in their own skin produces confidence, increased self-esteem and self-worth. Those are helpful ingredients when being sexual and aroused.      

If this is something new to you, please seek out mentorship and educate yourself on safe practices, hygiene, risks such as infection and get smart about your interest through books, website communities and workshops. If you’re branding your scrotum, there most definitely needs to be some precautions taken and knowledge collected.

How Do You Tell Your Girlfriend She Doesn't Smell Good?

Hi Doc,

My new girlfriend has a certain scent that is hard for me to handle. I don’t know how to say this other than it doesn’t smell good at all; it stinks. It’s hard for me to get into oral sex, perform and enjoy it. The only thing that worked was to use strong-flavored lube to offset the smell. Any tips or advice to talk about this?

Thanks.

- Anonymous

Definitely a touchy subject. Most women take pride in their feminine hygiene, and it’s a delicate and sensitive matter. It could be a sign of a medical issue, infection, hygiene, a result of her food/diet, even pubic hair growth can increase scent. My first piece of advice is don't use the word "stinks." Save that word for the next time you accidently step in dog poop, but never with a partner. But this leads to my next point, which is it’s time to open up the lines of communication and talk about this. Too often in relationships we leave elephants in the room that are avoided and not discussed. Your flavored lube trick may work, but it’s avoidant, a quick fix, and not dealing with whatever the issue may be. The deeper issue that needs to be addressed is why you can’t talk about it. Don’t let your fears guide your decisions. That’s living a scared life. In a healthy relationship, we can communicate assertive needs appropriately and respectfully. Try using a gentle approach, and incorporate feelings statements rather than judgment statements.

Part 1: “Can I talk to you about something important? I love being sexual with you. It’s one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I’ve wanted to get closer to you and feel more connected, but I’m having a hard time getting there. I don’t mean to hurt your feelings but want to bring up something important and be honest with you because I care about us."

Part 2: "During oral sex, I’ve noticed that your scent has changed, and it made me wonder if everything is all right with you. I’ve read that change in scent is something to look into. I’m concerned about your health and want to make sure everything is alright."

Part 3: I hope that was OK to bring up. I always want us to feel comfortable and trust each other to be honest no matter what. That was hard for me to say, and I hope I didn’t hurt your feelings. I’d want you to do the same for me. How are you doing?”

I get that it’s different saying it in the moment. I also understand that most people don’t use the type of words above. Feel free to change and adapt the words as you see fit. Make it real and make it come from you. Certain elements are important to keep or consider. If we broke up the paragraph into the three parts, the first part is a gentle introduction using feelings and empathic, considerate communication. You’re about to bring up something potentially uncomfortable that would potentially trigger insecurity. A nice intro would make a big difference. The second part brings up your concern in a respectful way. Her health may not be the first thing that comes to mind for bringing this up, but it shows more concern than saying you’re horny and want to have sex. Keep it respectful — it’s a delicate matter — but you need to appropriately bring up your concern. The third part is a check in filled with desires for good relationship health and offering empathy and support. The open-ended question of how she is doing gives her the opportunity to express feelings and process with you. If she feels discomfort, shock or embarrassment, it may allow her the space to express that, which can be helpful.  

Is this a foolproof approach? Nope. Communication is rarely perfect and many times, the repair attempts in the moment salvage missteps with the approach. Depending on the partner, this may be over the top or unnecessary. I had this exact situation happen to me and basically said what I wrote above. But this shrink is far from perfect. I took honesty a wee bit farther than it needed to go as I also said the scent made my eyes water. I think she ate onions beforehand, and it was a stupid thing to add. A little too honest in hindsight. Luckily, she was resilient, confident and didn’t take the conversation hurtfully. Which brings something to consider: If she (or you) can’t handle a conversation like this, is this what you want in a partner? How well does this bode for the future and strength of your relationship? There’s always something to learn.

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