Women And Sex Mysteries The Mystery Of Women And Sex, Solved

Women And Sex Mysteries

The Mystery Of Women And Sex, Solved

We say we’re not mad, which is code for “Oh, I’m friggin’ mad, all right, and I’m just gonna get madder if you can’t guess why.”

We force you to listen to crazy roundabout stories involving shoe sales and brake fluid, and then we’re pissed that you can’t follow the breadcrumbs back to the original point involving the office bitch who took our Greek yogurt from the break room fridge, which, apparently, proves you don’t care about us one little bit.

See? Confusing.

And we get ridiculously confusing when it comes to matters concerning our “area.”

Women's bodies are not video games

Here’s the problem: Some guys are just a little baffled when it comes to lady-parts. Lady-parts is an erogenously charged “area.” I like to call it an “area” because there are lots of things going on down there, and they all feel good when touched. Especially when someone else is doing the touching, because of the element of surprise. You don’t know what’s gonna be touched next!

But this is where it gets confusing. Some of it is reeeeeallly supersensitive. There's a tiny, supersensitive part of the area, and once some guys find it, they hammer away at it like their lives depend on it. Anyone who’s ever lived through an “outside-my-jeans-only” dry humping situation can testify to how painful it is when a dude gets all motivated to “push your love button.” Aggressively. Please don’t go at it like I’m a vending machine that took your change. Ouch.

The one sex rule you need to remember

It probably has something to do with natural male aggression and a single-minded commitment to seeing quick results. I’ve seen you guys working your own “areas,” and, quite frankly, I find it shocking that you don’t yank it clear off! I blame video games. You’re so used to zeroing in on a target and going at it full force, you forget I’m not Super Mario Kart or a Wii Remote. Yikes. Quit it. See, when one’s small motor coordination has developed to chase Asteroids or to get to the next Galaxy Level, one is apt to think of all small oval shapes as targets that must be hunted down and annihilated. But the clitoris is NOT, in most cases, an asteroid.

My very best advice to fellas: Work from the outside in.

Putting the rule to work

Here’s a handy guide:

Outer breast, inner breast, nipple last.

Outer thigh, inner thigh.

Outer labia, inner labia, clitoris last.

I stand by this as standard operating procedure that all women will endorse. In fact, there should be a manual imprinted just below our belly button. Wouldn’t that be convenient? Maybe some flashing neon countdown lights that lets you know when you've hit just the right rhythm and speed so you don't change up before we achieve liftoff.

I know there are some women who like the rough stuff — no preamble — just twist the nips like radio dials and stick it in. But for the most part, the “area” needs to be finessed. Talked into it, as it were. And I think most women would appreciate if you guys would include the discussion above into your next group training sessions. In fact, this is what they should teach in high school health class. Forget the stuff about ovaries — ya’ll space out during that part anyway. Because no man has ever said the words, “Hey, d’ja get a load of her ovaries? Hot!”

It’s confusing, I know. But mastering it is possible if you just don’t go all nutty on the “area.”

And remember to work from the outside in.

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