Boring Sex Is She Bored In Bed? It Might Be Because You're Doing These Things

Boring Sex

Is She Bored In Bed? It Might Be Because You're Doing These Things

How to be great in bed? I like this question because the answer can be simple (“just don’t be selfish”) or it can be that existential non-answer that says there is no formula to being the best sexual partner out there, as all

 situations vary based on everything from physical chemistry to what food you ate earlier that day.

As I have mentioned before, Louis CK is the sexiest unsexy guy in the world because he gets it: "You f*ck a woman right and she will leave you alone.” Every woman is different, but here are some general things to avoid so we don’t snooze through boring sex. 

1- Your D*ck Is Not The Only Thing You Have

I know, I know, but it’s your dick. It is the only thing you have. Really, it’s not. Great sex accounts for the entire body. Isolation works in moderation. You have to switch, play and make use of all your limbs. I don’t know what it is that makes some of you believe that your male genitalia allows you to hump away like you are having sex with a Real Doll. How is this enjoyable for us? We don’t want to feel like a substitute for your right hand. Boring. If you have a huge penis it’s just as good as Play D'Oh if you do not know what you are doing with the rest of your body. If we just wanted a d*ck and not the man attached to it, then we would buy one of the millions of sex toys available online and have it shipped to our bedroom door. 

2- Predictability

If you've been together for a while, this can definitely be a problem. Part of the reason why things were so hot between you and her when you first got together was because you didn't know what to expect. If you want to maintain a similar level of excitement months or even years down the road, you have to keep it fresh.

Don't be afraid to try new things that you'll both enjoy; never let it get to a point where she can anticipate your every move. For instance, if you usually spend five minutes on foreplay, spend 15 minutes next time and tease her mercilessly. She won't know what hit her. And soon, neither will you.

3- Staying North

Go down on us. We want it, just like you do. The only time we would NOT want it is if we were having sex with you in a bathroom stall or a closet or some place that did not allow our bodies to go vertical or prop up our leg easily. This is the only time. And read a book about eating p*ssy first if you do not know what you are doing. It’s about tension, speed control and toying. You can also just watch the video above.

4- Permission Slips

I realize that it’s extremely hard to be a straight man: you are expected to take control of the sexual situation, be aggressive yet appealing, while also respecting her as a human being all the while playing the game right.  But guess what? That is what you get for having your way since the beginning of time, so deal with it. We’re pretty understanding when it comes to your dilemma. But you don't want boring sex all the same.

The most boring thing you can do is ask permission like you have to go to the bathroom during science class. If things have already started up and we are in your bed, half naked and making out, it is happening. For some women this poses a problem because they believe that being engaged in sexual activity, in a man’s room, does not guarantee anything and you should be able to say “no” whenever and walk. Fair enough. I am not condoning “no means yes” rhetoric, but you can still take charge in a situation. 

5- Obliviousness

If you are going to follow any of these rules, make it this one because it’s basically the only thing that matters. Let me preface by saying that being “boring in bed” is not actually a thing. I mean, it is, but if the two of you are insanely connected the sex will reflect that. Sex is at the heart of all great relationships. It’s a way of showing love. That being said, one night stands with total strangers can be just as great, but the key is being present and aware. Obliviousness is boring. Just like you want us to crawl all over you, striking a balance of coy and wild, we want you to be aware of what’s going on for us. Take turns being in control. Go with the physical signals. Back and forth. 

6- Never Experimenting

When you go to the amusement park, you don’t spend all day riding the ferris wheel. You go around and try all the rides to find the best one, then once you’ve hit it you probably wait in line a few more times. Don’t ride the jack rabbit all day. We’ll shut down the park.

7- Always The Same Location

If your woman has memorized the cracks in your bedroom ceiling, you're in trouble. But don't worry, a simple change of location can fix this situation. Take it to the shower, the kitchen table, your car, a secluded beach, the woods — the possibilities are endless. Use your imagination and try not to get caught.

8- Baby Talk

If we wanted to have sex with children we wouldn’t be having sex with you: we would be in jail. Keep any baby talk far, far away. Double offence for being both boring and gross.  

9- 'Thank You's After Sex

Stop thanking us immediately after you climax. It makes us think we did you a favor we maybe shouldn’t have and again, that is both boring and gross. 

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